Getting your way by saying No

Some people develop a curious reflex action of starting every sentence with "No lah!!" even though there's nothing to disagree with. Example:

A: Yay!! Its Friday, thank god.
B: Nahh lah! Friday oso u want to jump up and down.

I've been wondering about the benefits of this style of vehement disagreement to nothing in particular and this is what I want to analyze today, because I think there's more to it than meets the eye.

Right. Ahermm.

Firstly whether something is true or not, saying "No" can put you in control. Its a note of disapproval that can be designed to put you on the offensive and the other on the defensive. Nobody likes no's. For some, its a natural inborn communication style to draw others into adverserial positions to elicit a response, sort of like a verbal ambush. They mostly have no clue why people feel offended. You might not see this as a benefit unless you appreciate that to stake a good ambush, you must be on high ground. High school debaters understand this very well.

Secondly by saying no you establish a master-servant relationship. A "no" from you forces the other person to come back with options until you say yes, especially when they want to please you. Its a great tool for making others do your work if you're a lazy-ass mofo.

I once had a gf who liked to say its up to me where to go for dinner but she'll always say no to any place I mention. Was I a servant at that moment. Yes and the job? Go find a restaurant and don't come back until you find something that suits my exotic whim of the moment. All she has to do is sit like a queen and bestow her approval and disapproval depending on her fancy. So one day I came prepared. When she did that, I whipped out the yellow pages and told her here's every restaurant in the city, you choose. We broke up a week later. Guess it wasn't about choice after all but about control.

Thirdly saying no puts you on a higher plane of intellect. It sends a message that your wisdom is so superior that you naturally must be right. You talk, they listen, end of discussion. Its a great band-aid if you feel your ego is under constant threat.

Ok, now let me talk about the other side of things.

Differences in opinion is normal and actually necessary in a healthy debate. However the excessive and indiscriminate use of "No" is a sign of manipulativeness. I don't have to tell you how that can destroy friendships and relationships.

Like everything else, there is a time and place to assert your righteous "no", like in a work environment where there's a well-defined pecking order. Its fair to say that an army whose soldiers doesn't know who's boss is not a pretty sight.

Its not okay if you bring home that mode of thinking and start treating your friends and loved ones like privates in the army. They might not even subscribe to your shool of thought that being an asshole is being macho, sexy and therefore desirable. Well, when one can't connect the dots and the mouth moves faster than the brain, one can end up looking like an ass.

Then again, some people want to to be dominated. They want to be manipulated. And they look for a master to talk down to them. I'm not into S&M but if it floats their boat then who am I to say its bad, as long as I'm not at the receiving end.

For me personally, I have no special craving for approval (ok ok, I do want an approval code whenever they swipe my credit card) so I'd like to think I'm able to ditch friendships that are maniplative. Say no to me enough times for no good reason and I say bye bye to your phone number in my cell. It's not about being intolerant to diverse views but I am allergic to people who are clearly manipulative - you know, control freaks, pompous asses and the like.

But what if you want to say an honest no without pissing someone off?

How about replacing "no" with these words:

I have a different opinion.
There is another way. Listen to this.
Wouldn't that be a bad thing?
I see it differently.
Ok. What if .... (lay out your alternative view here)

The lesson I learnt is if you want to maintain a relationship that's harmonious, think before you say a big fat No to people in the face. Even if they're wrong. Its not whether you agree or disagree. Its how you disagree.

But then again not everyone is interested in maintaining a balanced relationship are they.