What your underwear reveals about you

Does your choice of underwear say something about you? Apparently yes according to this site.

An excerpt on Women (its got Men's too):

Boy shorts or thong: Women who don these are confident go-getters who enjoy a challenge. They like to show off their curves, are outgoing, and open to new things. They also enjoy not having a panty line when they wear pants. They like the thong because it makes them feel sexy even when they wear jeans, while boy shorts are cute and feminine--without baring it all.

Hmmm. Am I the only one who's troubled by the statement that boy shorts are feminine?

A man's view of marriage

How many men out there have no regrets about getting married? I mean truly no regrets?

This is my own male perspective of it which I know will be very different than a female's. It is a perspective of the other side nonetheless.

If there's one thing a man treasures more than most, its his own freedom. The freedom to do what he wants, go where he wants and when he wants, usually without having to justify himself. It might have something to do with the natural hunter instinct to get up and go for the kill at a moments notice. After all who can tell when a deer passes the cave.

This freedom applies to the freedom to think about other things as well. He wants to be able to occasionally act on the raunchy thoughts that dog him all day. Thoughts that serve his most important purpose - to procreate.

If men didn't have to work, he will spend all his time doing very few things - the pursuit of sex, having sex, eating, bragging about his conquests to other men, watching a hunt (ball game), and sleeping.

But today, employment takes up three quarters of a man's waking hours so more often than not, he's too preoccupied to get into trouble. But it doesn't stop him from adapting and telling his wife about the occasional 'work trip' he has to do.

Men are highly social creatures. They have a morbid fear of being seen as less than potent by the pack who have no use for an incompetent hunter. That's why the after-work bar trip is all-important. Its the platform for chest-beating. The more ale, the taller the tale. The yardstick of manlihood and coolness? Why the sexual scoreboard of course. Fat, ugly and old men have no chance. Everyone knows they cannot score and nobody wants to associate with losers.

So coming back to the question. With all the forces pulling men away from being tied down, why do they get married?

My answer is simple. In today's world, apart from marriage there's no other way to get a steady supply of sex without being clobbered on the head, if not by the woman weilding the stick, by her family. Man is not stupid. He knows he needs the protection of his clan to survive. The clan is also not stupid. It takes the opportunity to put up marriage as a condition to nicely tie him to a tree and 'be responsible'.

To avoid using real words like ass and pussy, they invent nice cowardly words like 'settling down' but the brutal honest fact is if you want sex, you pay. Simple as that.

So men, now all trembling and sweaty for need of sex, flips into temporary insanity and 'settles down.' No place understand this better than Las Vegas, a city that lives on temporarily insane people and famous for providing instant settling down services. They're famous for speedy divorce services too.

But man's problems are not over. The sexually charged bout of insanity soon wears off. After 10 years, he knows more about his wife than he cares to know and can't stand the daily routine any more. After all his mistress and liaisons on friendster are beckoning and the screaming kids at home are driving him nuts. The wife knows what the scoundrel is up to and digs in her heels for a fight. The clan comes in and stiffs him by relieving half his property should he flee. That's the deal, remember?

Yes, man gets into trouble on account of his genitals more often than he will admit. Many spend the latter half of their lives finding more sex (and not necesarily with their wives) while trying to appear legit to their clans. Those who are fat and ugly like frogs are cunning too. They'll chase after money and power which leads to nice cars and property which ultimately leads to - and you guessed it - sex. If you can't use your right hand to scratch your right butt-cheek, you can always use your left.

When it comes down to it, the life of many men can be written as nothing more than a series of insemnations dotted with a bunch of self-created and often assinine 'challenges' along the way. Well, who says truth must be pleasant.

So I will be brave enough to say that at some point or another, all men rethink their marriages. But let me be fair to say that when a man says till death do us part, most of the time he's not being dishonest. Its just that when all his attention rests between his legs, his attention span is incredibly shortened and he can only tell you the truth that he thinks will prevail in that short span.

And I am temporarily insane when I write this.

Is love a sham?

Familiarity breeds contempt. I see it everyday, among spouses and friends.

Here's a silly question. Is it true that the less you know someone, the more you're likely to love him or her?

Funny as it sounds, I have friends who've fallen out of love because there's nothing more to learn about their partners, or so they say. They tell me things have become too routine. Its always back to the same old conversations, going to the same places, eating the same things, telling the same jokes. Even valentine's day is predictable. Given how shallow some people can be, I wonder how they can stay married for 5 years let alone 50.

I'm told that in the olden days, looking for a wife didn't necessarily have anything to do with looking for love. A lot of it was prearranged and a wife was defined as someone who cooks, cleans and looks after the children. If it sounds like an advert for foreign maids you're right but that was the reality back then, the accepted norm. So if love was not a requirement in a spouse then, where did people find love I wondered?

Could it be that love is a modern invention?

Regardless, the road then and now seems to lead to the same end. The more time progresses, the more forces that push couples apart than pull them together. Love and predictability seems to behave like natural enemies.

Although my girlfriend and I haven't discovered everything about each other in our 2 years, I know its a matter of time before the question will crop up, if not by my parents by hers. I admit I have been worried. If we do get married, at what point will my status change from sweetheart to "that scumbag"? Or her to "that old hag"? When will frowns replace the the smiles before every sentence? Will we want to sleep in the same bed 40 years from now?

I guess my real question is, can love really be this shallow?

Do past grades and salaries really indicate how good you are?

My simple answer is no but people - whether employers or customers - naturally want to get the upper hand.

When I was in school, mathematics was my worst subject. My mind operated in a world of fuzzy logic, not precise logic and so I excelled in the arts. If I got a C or D in maths and chemistry I'd run around and hoot in celebration because I didn't get an F.

Something happened after I graduated from college. One day as I was browsing aimlesly in Kinokuniya, I was moved to buy this book on cosmology. Something in it must have unlocked a part of my brain because after I finished it, I saw mathematics in a different light. Complex calculus actually started to make sense and man, it spooked the hell out of me. A few months later I found myself helping my sister with her form 6 math problems. That was my first lesson never to take past performance as a definite indicator of future performance.

The second one involved salaries. I once attended an interview where they made a big deal about my last job's salary. It was low because the frickin company promised everyone bonuses that never came and the company finally shut down due to financial mismanagement. But anyhow, because on paper my salary was 15% below the industry average, the interviewers proceeded along the lines that I must not be good. I knew these bastards wanted to get me for cheap because while they were excited with my ideas and track record, they kept harping that my last drawn proves I'm not as good as I make myself out to be. And yet they didn't want to show me the door either. Finally I gave them my middle finger and left.

I don't know what to make of people and companies who insist that if you failed once, you will fail forever in your life or if you succeeded once, you will succeed forever. Well apparently, this infantile way of thinking is a pillar of corporate thinking, particularly in HR departments. I notice they always start the relationship on a position of distrust. What they do not admit is the fact that performance and environment is linked. If you are a superstar hired by a crap company, you will probably get crap results. But who at the interview table will admit their company is crap.

So while I don't mind revealing my numbers to potential employers, I do mind if they make conclusions about me based solely on that history. Maybe its just me but I don't work with people of impaired judgement, namely those who insist that I'm only as good as my past.

Six degrees of separation

Do you know that you are connected to Queen Elizabeth by 6 individuals or less? I am. This is an actual situation.

Link 1: I have a classmate who works for Singapore Airlines.
Link 2: She has a British boyfriend.
Link 3: Her bf's father is a cousin to one officer in Buckingham Palace.
Link 4: That officer reports to his superior, the top man in charge of diplomatic affairs.
Link 5: That man is very well known to the top circles in Buckingham, including the Queen.

According to wiki, six degrees of separation is the concept that any two individuals on the planet are connected by at most six others. It can be the US President or the most remote African bushman.

Try you own experiment and find out for yourself how small this world really is.

Would you go to the movies alone?

I would and I have, and some of my friends think that's being a loser.

But I think I know why. Its all to do with the reason why we go out.

When I do go out alone (and that's not very often), I have a clear mission and my mind is focused on that. It may to buy a remote controlled car, a CD, or a movie. Bumping into a friend is a bonus.

But my friends are different. They're the type that would only play their video games when their friends are around. Going out is not just to see but to be seen. Its a social experience.

Well to me its not good or bad, just different. I may be a loser to them but I don't see them as losers. Only afraid of their own company.

Turning the other cheek

"If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

(Matthew 5:38-42, NIV)

I've met my share of strange people but this one lady, a family friend, ranks very high on my fruitcake list.

She's a granny, Chinese, around 65 and a professed christian. She was boasting today about how a young man tried to cheat her in an investment 10 years ago, how she verbally cursed him and how she found out a few years later that he had become a bankrupt.

In animated glee, she exclaimed how wonderful it is that God helped her destroy this young man's life and two others who she claimed had also cheated her in some way. She ominously said let no one cross her or she will invoke her curse again and for sure, God will go after these people.

I don't know what makes her think that God (if he really exist) would actually run around doing the bidding of his servants but I felt sorry for her. At 65, she probably doesn't have much time left. If she still can't see the world beyond her own selfish needs, then she's in for a few surprises at the pearly gates.

Me, I don't believe in any of that God stuff. I believe our fate is a result of our own thoughts and actions and is therefore ours to change. Yeah I can be a stubborn ass sometimes but I don't believe in cursing anyone or gloat in their suffering. Except when their team bombs out in the game.

As for Grandma Fruitcake, like most grandmas she's not one to listen to someone younger. The only thing I could do was sip my tea and let things go into one ear and out the other.

Superheroes

I don't know if anyone noticed but there seems to be a rash of superhero shows of late. What started off as a trickle about 20 years ago with early versions of Superman and Batman has steadily grown with latter-day versions of X-Men, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider and Heroes the tv series.

Personally I can't wait for a real life movie of the Powerpuff Girls. I'm curious to see who will play my favorite hero - Mojo Jojo.

Some say comic-book superheroes first appeared at a time when the world suffered great conflict - world wars and dreadful crime rates - to fulfill a need. People were feeling lousy about life because the good could not defeat the bad. That was the time when the cities were controlled by the mob and people from strange foreign lands were killing their servicemen. The constant bad news was more than they could bear.

Because you couldn't simply go out and buy hallucinogenic drugs like today, minds took off on their own and began to fantasize. Some of the more talented took a step further to literally draw out their fantasies, what became feel-good artwork portraying how villains were taken down by righteous people who wore their underwear outside and had out-of-this-world powers. These unusual men and women would set the wrongs right again. They will save the day.

The symbol must have been so appealing that people just ate it up. As a superhero all you needed was a strong righteous identity. Mystery was a big thing then so any uniform will do as long as you had a mask and cape. Oh you also need a dark origin, a notorious villain, incredible powers and a storyline and you'd have a hit. I've lost count of how many superheroes there must have been from Hulk to Captain America, their special powers as varied as the uniforms they wore. You could never run out of comics in the 40's -50's.

Well 50 years later the superheroes are still alive and well, outliving four generations of Star Trek captains. They are upgraded to include issues of the day of course. TV series Heroes for example makes mention of global warming and terrorism. Nice touch.

Superheroes will rule the world because people know conventional weapons don't work against the bad guys. We need mind readers, laser-shooting eyes, indestructable bodies, hands that turn water to ice, people who can fly in the air. Even James Bond will die off because he is not super enough.

Malaysians are not spared - we also need superheroes to make life bearable. So will Cicakman save Malaysia? I dunno but I'm betting we'll be seeing a few more in days to come.

Ghost Rider - Mat Rempit movie of the year

No that's not the official movie poster but it should have been.

I saw the movie last night. Its a rempit movie on steroids complete with traffic-snarling road stunts. I'm predicting we'll soon see a horde of local Johnny Blazes (Nicholas Cage) wannabes, possibly entire rempit gangs built on his persona. After all the important ingredients are there. Bikes, chicks, supportive onlookers, glamour, idiotic police, baddies cutting into your turf, even a mission to save the day.

I tell ya, the movie is a Met Rempit dream come true, the story probably written by a Mat Rempit because the plot is a simple one. Someone makes a deal with the devil to save his father from cancer. He pays for it by doing the devil's bidding and that is to kick other devils' asses in a hellish struggle for power. But the hero has a good heart and after paying his dues to the devil, vows to use his dark superpowers to fight crime.

A very important tool of Johny Blaze's trade is of course that all-important icon of coolness, a heavily-chromed easy rider motorcycle given by the Evil One on which he chases the bad guys. Hmm... sending devils on motorbikes to catch criminals. Now where have I heard that before....

I found the movie funny although I know its not meant to be a comedy. It tries too hard to highlight the Jekyll-and-Hyde life of Blaze - a Karen Carpenters-loving innocent guy one moment, a leather-and-chains creature from hell the next, complete with a burning skull for a head.

The CG (computer graphics) was sloppy and looked a bit game-like, especially when it closes up on the burning skull. I've seen better CG than that. The action sequences were predictable but okay. Storyline's a bit flat but what can you expect from a Rempit.

I give Ghost Rider a 2.5 out of 5.

Killing people for sport

Amusement has risen to new heights. Read this sickening report.

We're not gonna make it past this millenium are we.

Cyber Makciks

We all know the internet became phenomenally popular for two reasons - porn and gambling.

So pray tell, what crosses your mind when you see a middle-aged tudunged makcik at Low Yat Plaza haggling over the price of a 50-pack of DVD-Rs like it was ikan tenggiri? That's a whopping 285GB of storage space.

a. She wants to save her mp3 collection and she has over a million songs
b. She wants to clone some DVDs
c. She's a writer and wants to back up her Miscrosoft Word files
d. She's buying them for her teenaged son
e. None of the above

The homely-looking makcik, probably in her 50's, was carrying a newly purchased D-Link wireless router in a plastic bag. Total respect. Even my 16 year old sister doesn't know what a router is.

I think its great that our elders are finally going online but the sight of mums, dads and grannies buying gigabytes of recording media jolted my ever-curious mind.

Its still trying to compute why... whirr..whirr..beep...beep...

Idiots at the ATM

I hate going to the ATM. I hate seeing people's IQs drop below room temperature as soon as they come into contact with an ATM. But I have no choice.

I went to an ATM at 1U today. There were 3 people in front of me and I saw 3 irritating habits.

The senile withdrawer
The frontmost person was a lady, around her 40's. I think she could not remember her PIN. She slowly and hesitantly pecks in her digits, machine rejects PIN, she hits cancel, takes out card, mutters something in Cantonese, rummages through her handbag for something, then reinserts her card again. She did this 3 times before hitting on an idea to call someone, presumably to ask whoever it was for the PIN. All this while nicely holding up the line. But as luck would have it, signal was bad in that corner and her call didn't connect. Whew, 'cause she looked like my aunt who could yak. But before she gave up her spot, she glared at the machine like it was an alien. 3 minutes gone.

The blur sotong withdrawer
The next one was a lovey-dovey couple, early 20's. The young lady was obviously unprepared for the transaction because when her turn came, she frantically searched her handbag and pockets for her ATM card. I guess she was too busy cosying it up with her bf to remember anything else. So she finally finds her card and after typing her PIN, she kept looking to her bf for step-by-step guidance. Both of them were hunched over the ATM screen giggling in muffled tones like they were in some kind of photo booth. After a few "What should I do"'s from the girl and a few "No, not that one" from the guy, the girl got her money. It must be her first time ever at the ATM. I really wanted to slap her. Damn, 2 minutes gone. My gf was waiting at the cinema entrance. Popcorn getting cold. Shit.

The petty withdrawer
Next was an Ah Beng. A loan shark I thought, complete with badly-dyed hair. This guy had super duper confidence. He did it like clockwork. Stick card in quickly, machine-gun in the PIN, choose the amount, take cash, count it, stick the card back into the ATM - all while talking loudly on the phone. He took RM300 out in two separate withdrawals of RM150 each. And that's not all. He then whipped out another card from his wallet and repeats the same thing. Altogether he made 4 mini-withdrawals. Why the f*** didn't he just withdraw RM600 in one shot is a mystery but that bastard chewed up 3-4 minutes.

Then its my turn. I had card in hand, knew exactly how much I wanted, am a fast typer and knew the ATM screens like back of my hand. I was out of there in like 20 seconds. My waiting time: about 12 minutes.

I just don't understand people. Why can't they remember their blardy PINs? Why do they behave like they never touched an ATM in their lives? Why do they withdraw many times in small amounts when they could have withdrawn in one easy sum? Why do they hold up the line agonizing over how much to withdraw when they should have decided while waiting in line? Why do they take so damn long just to withdraw a hundred friggin' dollars?

Did I say I hate going to the ATM?

Don't buy Beachfront Property (Global Warming Pt 2)

Unless it's perched high up on a granite cliff or you enjoy snorkeling in your living room.

It seems that an ommission in earlier reports on global warming painted a misleading picture of the crisis. To quote this Guardian article "Climate change: scientists warn it may be too late to save the ice caps",

"The revelation comes as a new report points out that greenhouse gas emissions running into hundreds of millions of tonnes have not been disclosed by Britain's biggest businesses, masking the full extent of the UK's contribution to global warming."


An earlier IPCC report (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) is now seemingly erroneous as only 16 of Britain's FTSE 100 companies met disclosure guidelines of CO2 emissions, meaning that about 200m jaw-dropping tonnes of damaging CO2 is estimated to be missing from earlier estimates, an amount more than "annual reported emissions of Pakistan and Greece combined."

This discovery pretty much lobbed a grenade into the kitchen. Forecasts are now more onminous with the prospect that "there is "a significant probability that some large-scale events (eg deglaciation of major ice sheets) may no longer be avoided due to historical greenhouse gas emissions and the inertia of the climate system"."

"Areas such as the Maldives would be swamped and low-lying countries such as the Netherlands and Bangladesh, as well as coastal cities including London, New York and Tokyo, would face critical flooding...Such melting would raise sea levels by four to six metres, the scientists say. "

Would island nations like Taiwan, Sri Lanka and Singapore lose precious land mass to the water and see their countries shrink dramatically? It would pose a national defense issue like no other, something no missile or warship could avert.

"New studies of Greenland and Antarctica have forced a UN expert panel to conclude there is a 50% chance that widespread ice sheet loss "may no longer be avoided" because of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere.... The previous official line, issued in 2001, was that the chance of such an event was "not well known, but probably very low"."

That's what happens when politics stands in the way of scientific objectivity and countires thumb their noses to the cries of panic in the name of economic sustainability. We do get what we deserve.

But there is an opportunity in every disaster.

"...average temperatures would probably increase by 4C this century if emissions continue to rise. Even under its most optimistic scenario, based on a declining world population and a rapid switch to clean technology, temperatures are still likely to rise by 1.8C."

Maybe I should invest in companies that build cooling systems and tree nurseries?

"Very large sea level rises that would result from widespread deglaciation of Greenland and West Antarctic ice sheets imply major changes in coastlines..."

I'll avoid investing in beachfront property and in companies building beachfront resorts. But mountain resorts like Genting should be ok.

The IPCC report which assesses the likely impacts of global warming and will be published in April. I will be anxiously waiting.

Movie rant and Valentine (blood) diamonds

Feeling bored at home on CNY weekend, I watched a Shrek 2 rerun with my wee little cousins the other day. I don't know about you but I was completely turned off by the movie. Its like watching a torturous cross between Beauty and The Beast and Coyote Ugly.

Call me old fashioned but if you have an enchanted fairy tale to tell, then for pete's sake tell an enchanted fairy tale. Why pollute it with things that completely throw it out of place, out of time and out of character? You've framed the story around medieval times when flushing the toilet meant flinging one's bucket of excreta out the window onto the streets so wtf was disco music from the 70's doing in it, Grammy hits-singing fairy godmothers and other modern Hollywood trash? It might be lost on the little twerps but not on me. I tell ya, it was bloody irritating.

But if there was one recent movie that impressed me, it is Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio.



His South African accent is way cool, the storyline hung superbly, the African lead actor Djimen Hounsou's acting was very convincing and even Arnold Vosloo, the guy who played evil Imhotep in the Mummy, played his role of saviour-cum-villain well.

Set in Sierra Leone, the question behind the movie is simply this - would you buy something if you knew someone was tortured and killed making it? Now being a cheapskate, I've never bought a diamond before, not even for my gf, and after watching the movie, I'm glad I didn't.

Despite the nomination for 5 Oscars, this sort of movie will not be a box office hit. Let's face it, people generally pay to be entertained and get away from reality, not get deeper into it. However in no way does this diminish the value of the story. The movie is a damning message to the masters of child labourers, sweatshops and export countries well known for human rights abuses, woven around a heart wrenching tale of human barbarism and tragedy.

Yes its just a movie and a work of fiction no doubt but it must have hit close to home. Soon after the first screenings, some African diamond exporting countries actually came forward to deny that their diamonds are mined by slave labour. Even DeBeers, the world's largest diamond company had a response. But if you see the conditions of these countries on BBC and CNN, you might wonder if there is some truth to the movie's portrayals.

I like movies that instil awareness, especially if they come with kick-ass action scenes like this one. People - watch the movie if you can and think very hard before buying that shiny rock for your girlfriend. Be like me and buy her a teddy bear instead.

I give Blood Diamond a 4 thumbs up out of 5.

Off for CNY

Bryan's Cafe will be closed for CNY break. We will reopen shop next Monday or Tuesday. Until then, xi nien kwai ler, wan shi ru yi. And drive safely.

Who done it?

There was an old joke that made its rounds when I was in high school.

Question: Why do societies allow men to have more than one wife but not for women to have more than one husband?

Answer: Because if the latter happened and if there was a child, nobody will know who the father is.

Back then, we dorks would laugh at anything even if it was a lame-assed joke. But one party that sure ain't laughing nowadays is the family of the decased ex Playmate Anna Nicole Smith.

According to CNN this morning there are now 5 (yes five) men claiming to be the father of her child. At stake are millions of dollars in inheritance.

Questions flashed through my mind as I heard the news. How many more guys will come out and lay the same claim by this time next week. Did she really sleep with that many men 14 months ago (Dannielynn is only 5 months old). Was it an orgy or what and how come nobody wore condoms? How would the reporters write this story if Anna was some poor girl from the ghettoes in America.

I forget. Sex, scandal and money is headline material. This is gonna go on for a while.

Reminds me of another joke.

A teacher asks the class to write a short essay containing four major subjects: religion, nobility, sex and mystery.

In a flash, Anna 's hand shoots up. Amazed at the rapid response, the teacher asks her to read her piece out loud.

"'Oh my God!' exclaimed the countess, 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.'"

Global warming: My perspective

Now that the silly season that is valentine has passed, I can safely move on to more down-to-earth things.

I was intrigued by a discussion on lowyat.net forum about the international debate on global warming. As with any worthwhile issue, there are 2 strongly opposing camps - countries that signed the Kyoto agreement and countries that didnt. One side says that humans are to blame for the warming while the other insists there is no proof to support that.

Okay, there is a 3rd school of thought - that the earth is being terraformed by aliens. Being a Trek fan myself this theory is my favourite but apparently it hasn't gained much of a following.

But regardless of whether man, mother nature or aliens are to blame, I do share the view that we are sliding down an irreversible path to climactic doom. The awakening of developing nations to the dangers of uncontrolled pollution, particularly China, comes too little too late as my recent trip to Guangzhou tells me. The US's lethargic response to its own CO2 emmissions is also very telling. Just how do you tell a red-blooded American that driving a gas-guzzling Hummer is a bad thing?

Quite frankly, even if everyone signed on Kyoto today, what difference would it make when the horse has bolted from the barn.

What does remain today are these facts.

- The arctic icecap is melting.
- Strange unseasonal weather patterns have beset the world.
- Storms and droughts are getting more intense.
- Deserts are expanding.
- Sea water levels are rising.
- Ocean temperatures are rising.

And that's not all. Other non-climatic events are also jumping into the fray.

- Noticeable increase in earthquakes and tsunamis.
- An environment struggling to cope with rapid population growth.
- The emergence of new fatal diseases like H5N1.
- The onset of "mass insanity" - world conflicts beckoning ppl to kill each other in large numbers.

So not only are we killing each other with our own industrial garbage and ideological differences, nature is kindly giving us a hand by throwing at us new incurable diseases, moving earth's crust around and cranking up the thermostat. With luck it might even throw in a couple of asteroid our way to make things merrier.

If I sound a little pessimistic, its due to the fact that out of 6.6 billion people on the planet, I estimate not even 1% has the capacity to understand much less do anything about global warming. Most don't have any choice but to go back to their air polluting vehicles, their strip-farmed land or consume products that disproportionately strip the planet of its resources. To convince the other 99% to take heed and actually do something will take a thousand years too many. We've started on the wrong foot. We've built entire civilizations on self-destructing habits like slash and burn farming and unbridled consumerism. If destroying and rebuilding cultures on a global scale is as easy as what Al Gore thinks, we would have it by now but we don't.

So am I being a little fatalistic in saying we're headed for a climactic armageddon? I don't think so. I believe only total rebirth and regeneration can save the planet. But to be reborn, the planet has to die first. All indications are that this is well under way.

Science is already predicting the arrival of a new ice age resulting from the melting of the polar ice cap. Great. Nature is defrosting the fridge before laying down some new ice, except this defrost cycle might last a million years. I'm not putting any hopes or money that man will survive it.

I've long shrugged off the world's petty bickering because of all this. All the opinions and beliefs, the rights and wrongs, none of it will change how our story ends. The way I see it, the most humane thing we can do today is to make sure the next generation can make their own exit as comfortably as possible. In fact, try not to have kids. Why have them and then leave them on a desert island. Even if you believe the situation is not as dire, deep down you know that the world is not likely to change in this lifetime or in your children's lifetime. What you can do is reduce future suffering by reducing the number of its recipients. The other thing is to consume less today so that there's a little more to go around tomorrow.

But who am I kidding. Isn't our greatest motto "its every man for himself?" Doesn't the attention span of the average human go only as far as his next meal, his next paycheck or his next shag? Will anyone listen if there's no bread on the table? On that score alone I'm convinced that as humans, we are pretty much screwed.

Cartoons, man's ultimate saviour

So my favorite channels on tv are 60 and 62. Those are Astro's. I don't watch RTM and Media Prima stuff. If you don't know, 60 is Nickelodeon and 62 Cartoon Channel. Yeah dude, cartoons rock. Can't live without 'em.

People who know me cannot reconcile the fact. You? they'd sputter. Cartoons? But you talk like someone who's wired to CNBC and Bloomberg.

Huh? Since when does what you watch define you? Well ok, maybe there is a wee bit of a connection. If I like kick-ass action movies you won't catch me watching Mary Poppins. So what is wrong with the likes of Teen Titans, Justice League and Spongebob Squarepants?

Cartoons remind me of how we grown-ups like to make life more complicated than it needs to be. Honestly, there's a lot we can learn from the warped mind of a kid. Why get anal about nutritional data on a cereal box when all you need is to recall the happy faces surrounding the bowl of coco puffs on telly. Health? Tell me, do you really wanna live till 100 when you can't even pee without assistance?

I think toons are practical. If you take away their gravity defying, time cheating and body stretching qualities, you can learn more about life in 20 minutes of Samurai Jack than an hour of Lost. And my own eyes tell me that women's reaction to Johnny Bravo is more realistic any day than to Alex "Hitch" the date doctor. If fantasy's your cup of tea, nothing can beat manga stuff.

Cartoons are funny, realistic and to the point. They can solve any problem you throw at them in 20 minutes or less and things always end well. Now isn't that how life should be?

Valentine's Day Wet Blanket

'Tis the day when everyone faithfully picks up the cue from the shopping malls and their friends' smses to subject themselves to being ripped off, all in the name of appearing romantic. Being the professional wet blanket that I am, let me lay down the cards on what Valentine's day means to me.

So tell me again, why do people need a special day to express their love to someone? When one is truly in love, isn't every day a special day? Or if one's relationship is in the pits, does anyone seriously think a measly rose, a hallmark card and an exhorbitantly priced meal will make any difference?

Granted there's nothing wrong with giving your loved one a genuine surprise if that's what V-day means to you but please lah, how genuine can squeals of, "Ooohh, roses! Heart shaped candy! What an unexpected surprise! Thank you darling!" be on a day that sees the same thing happening year after year? Isn't it a bit like climbing into your car in the morning and saying, "Oh my god! A steering wheel!!". Its not the celebrating but the fake expressions of surprise that's, well, fake.

If anything, the party with the most reason to celebrate Valentine's day are the merchants. Yup, people like me (you can consider me a businessman of sorts) who make your dreams come true. We make good money selling you set meals at double the price, a stalk of rose at 5 times more, overpriced trinkets, hotel "love packages" with deluxe room, dinner for two, fresh oyster plate and free condoms at 30% above rack rates to name a few. Pandering to base emotions is a very profitable business.

But what can you do when your gf is comparing V-day notes with her friends? The answer is nothing. She'll never forgive you for not giving her anything worth telling her friends about. In fact, where you go and what you do may be already set by the subtle hints you receive days before the event (hey I have a gf too).

If you want to know where the demand for V-day goodies comes from, look no further. Its people wanting to conform to an image created by none other than themselves. People want to be seen as hip and happening and businesses are only too happy to oblige by supplying the props, just like Halloween. From cheap poetry on a card to aphrodisiacs and musical condoms, you name it, we got it.

Be that as it may, I believe in ethics and am against businesses that try to shame their customers into buying ridiculously priced things. That's why flower girls are the worst scumbags in my book. With their basket of roses, these shenanigans will make their rounds at night spots, targetting couples and going straight for the jugular. "Halo Mister, any rose for your leng lui?" they'll sweetly say, just loud enough for the hapless guy's partner to hear.

These sharks understand the game too well. Guys who are terrified to lose face are easy prey. I know some girls who sell a few thousand's worth of flowers to these desperadoes in just a few hours, at well-inflated prices of course. That got my opportunist ears all perked up.

Now I'm not advocating that anyone stop celebrating Vantine's day. By all means celebrate. I like Valentine's Day because it sure helps put the extra dollars in my wallet, heh heh...

Are Adrenalin junkies sick?

I'm a huge fan of Maximum Exposure, Sports Disasters, World's Most Amazing Videos - you know, the stuff they show on AXN. What awes me is not so much the "man triumphing over nature" mantra of these shows but the incredible stupidity of man in getting himself into trouble. I mean, how else would you describe the act of jumping roof-to-roof on a bicycle, crashing down and breaking some bones and saying on the hospital bed that you can't wait to heal so you could try again?

Ok, so most of these home-made daredevils are babies - young and always hungry for attention. They practice hard to prepare for the obligatory cameraman and audience - usually their friends who dutifully egg them on to an inch of their lives. These are the true amatuers, the wannabe schoolyard heroes. Been there, done that. We all go through our stupid phases in search of character.

But surely grown ups are different right? Well not according to these reality shows. Just watch the post-botched-stunt interviews. Notice how the adult pro and a 12th grader all tell the same story. From their hospital beds with an arm or leg amputated and flesh torn off their faces, they'd say really smart things like, "As long as I have my other arm/leg and I can move about on a wheelchair, I will continue to race / skydive / basejump / whatever. I just can't do anything else. It makes me feel alive."

Err, come again? The only way to feel alive is to be an inch of death? You mean being of sound health and having all limbs intact is to feel dead? Somehow I think survivors of the real reality show - the victims of natural disaster - will beg to differ.

There are those who are unwillingly thrust into disaster and those who willingly seek to cheat it for thrills. The latter is an addiction, like chain smoking. Losing one's left lung to cancer will not deter a hardcore smoker when the right lung is still functioning. Some will admit they can only stop when they lose both lungs, have their cancerous lips removed or when they are dead. Like William Hung, they'll say they have no regrets. So strong is the desire to quench one's addiction that nothing else matters. Not even the impact of their deaths to their loved ones. That is the true reality behind this type of reality show. But then I'd be a party pooper to mention it wouldn't I.

Now I believe everyone has a right to choose their own brand of excitement. Thrill seekers can base-jump, scream in glee on the way down and splatter their brain cells on the rocks below for all I care. They know the risk. But what's really funny is how these juveniles talk all Lao Tze-like with the triumph-of-man-over-nature shit and emerge with bloodied faces and bones broken in 5 places. To think they'll be spending the rest of their lives of their lives going in and out of therapy for a twisted backbone or some shit, and making alcohol and painkillers part of their daily diet to numb the pain. "You have to pay the price," these kids would ominously say with a broad cheeky smile.

But if surviving the odds of nature is their thing and if they're up for a real honest-to-goodness challenge, then I do have a recommendation. Take a plane ride and parachute down into the deep African wilderness or the Amazon jungle alone with nothing save the clothes on your back. If you come out in one piece after 3 months, then you have beaten the odds and truly deserve my respect. But all this skateboarding on top of little handrails outside the library and driving race cars around a circuit protected with helmets, gravel traps and tyre barriers, that'sno challenge. You stand nowhere next to those who have truly survived war and natural disaster.

Meanwhile I will continue to get my kicks from Max X and the World's Most Amazing Videos, not to celebrate man's triumph over nature but to marvel at the unlimited bounds of human stupidity.

My damned psycho neighbours

Sunday is my no holes barred day so I am going to rant.

I've had quite enough of my neighbour's daily screamings at his live-in girlfriend. It's been going on day and night for months. I normally steer clear of other people's domestic problems but when it starts to deprive me of my slumber every other night, I have to draw the line. And its not just me. The whole neighborhood is pissed off.

When someone screams of "Get out of my house!" at the top of his lungs and smashes objects to reinforce his message, its not hard to guess what's happening. He's got serious anger management issues. She's unable to moderate his anger. After a year of this daily torment, surely any feeling of mutual love would have evaporated.

Whenever the volcano erupts and the man screams at her to f*** off, I tell myself that's your cue bitch, go, go! But she doesn't! The only thing you could hear are whimpers and muffled cries behind the door as the man tears through the things in the house with the fury of a tornado. Hence my million dollar question, why in god's green earth does she still hang on to this jerk?

I don't get it. The woman's clearly not a prisoner as she moves in and out of the house freely. She even goes shopping. A nosey neighbour finds out they're not married ans she's in her late 20's, he in his early 30's. There are no children to complicate things and no friends or family ever comes to visit. And yet this woman still chooses to hang on to this sorry excuse of a man, ever willing to take his shit.

I've heard stories that women believe they can change a man. Is it true? Can someone really be changed by some power outside of himself or herself? Or is it just a coward's excuse to avoid making a hard but necessary decision?

While I'm convinced the guy belongs in an asylum, I'm beginning to think the woman is also a psycho. Only a sadist would volunteer themselves to be a punching bag. This one has got mental disease written all over it.

Before anyone says its unfair to simply point at the girl, I have this to say. It takes two hands to clap. I say both are not serious about solving their problem. Why? Because if he REALLY wants her out of his life, he could have waited for her to go out one day and changed the door locks. If she REALLY wants the abuse to end, she could have walked on and not turn back. Since neither happened, the only real conclusion left is that both are not serious. Who knows, terrorizing each other might even be a bizarre turn-on for them, fulfilling some kind of sick and twisted psychological need. Real bastards, both of them, for making innocent families here suffer their daily trash.

I wish they would pack up and leave and let the neighborhood return to its once-peaceful state. They say we live in a crazy world. I just wasn't prepared to see it so close to home.

Astromax - My Review

I was tempted to write a review of Astromax the day after I got it but didn't think it would be fair so I decided to wait a month before doing it.

Astromax has been a blessing. In just 4 weeks I managed to fill up my 80GB drive to 70% or approximately 40 hours of shows. Yes my Max is loaded because my life doesn't revolve around Astro's schedule, which is the primary reason why I got Astromax in the first place. I suppose the same reason made the ubiquitous VCR a success in the old days.

Max comes with a lot of nice features you would expect. One immediate thing I noticed was how the video output was sharper than my old decoder. I use S video connectors and a 32" flat screen TV on both. Although subtle, the difference was noticeable enough for me.

Here are more things to like about the Max:

1. You can peruse Astro's program schedule on your TV. It is updated by satellite daily.
2. One touch programming. Just use the cursor to point to any slot in the shedule and click on record. The recording starts and stops by itself.
3. Decent sound quality.
4. Watch one channel while recording another.
5. Time shifting feature. Press pause during live broadcast, answer the phone and press play to continue without losing a second.
6. Optical output jack (haven't used it yet though)
7. Say goodbye to VHS tapes. Everything's recorded on hard disk.

In this review I'll set aside the barely-passable aesthetics of the box to focus on something more important - the inbuilt PVR software. This is the Personal Video Recorder program that gives you the blue-hued interactive menus and fancy features.

Menu navigation is fairly intuitive and most home users will find themselves frequenting two areas, the Planner where you define your recording schedules and My Max which lists all the stuff you've recorded. You play back your recordings by choosing a title in My Max and clicking on "Play from the start". Since Astromax's controls can be learnt in a few minutes without reverting to the manual, it is user friendly in my books.

Program management in the Max is a breeze. You can delete any recorded show anytime by going to My Max, choosing a title and hitting delete. If you attempt to record programs on a full disk, I'm told it will overwrite the oldest shows stored but I haven't got that far yet. What I do find is that because the Max is so easy to use, I've become trigger-happy with recordings. It's like going to a buffet. You end up loading so many things on your plate you know you can't possibly finish. My bad. Hopefully it's a habit that'll correct itself in time.

The Max is certainly not perfect yet and here is my wish list.

An escape button
I wish all menus have a global "escape" button whereby with just one click I can exit from whatever I'm doing and go back to the last live channel I was watching. There is a "back" and "exit" button on the remote but they don't always work as expected.

Synchronization problems
I wish they used a better algorithm to deal with the lag between the scheduled program time and actual broadcast time. Let me explain. Lets say you've set the device to record something scheduled at 10-11pm. In reality, the show comes on air 10:05-11:05pm. The machine faithfully stops recording at precisely 11pm and the result? You lose the last 5 minutes of your show. I've lost many a drama episode this way. A real anticlimax.

To deal with this, Astromax gives you an option to extend a recording's end-time by a few minutes. Yes it solves the problem but creates a new one - by creating a conflict with any back-to-back recording you may have programmed. To illustrate, let's say you are trying to record these shows.

10:00-11:05 pm, Program A (You've manually extended the recording stop time by 5 mins to avoid losing the ending)
11:00-12:00 am, Program B

This attempt will fail because overlapped recordings aren't possible on Astromax.

When such conflicts happen, the system will ask you to choose between "shortening" the first recording (which I think undoes the time extension you chose) or canceling the second one. Hmm.. keep this or dump that or dump this and keep that. Whatever, solving one problem by creating another is no solution to me, especially if you don't know when the show's next rerun is going to be.

If back-to-back recordings clash, the obvious solution is to allow the user to batch-shift ALL affected slots forward in one go, meaning shift all their start and end times by the same amount, instead of just allowing users to manipulate end-times only as is currently done. Its like dealing with a railway coach. The only way to move one car foward a metre is to move the the next coach and the next forward by the same distance. Since satellite broadcast lag is fairly constant at 2-5 minutes for every program, a batch move-forward feature should safely solve the problem.

Recording the same show many times inadvertently
How do you decided whether to record a program or not? If you decide based on the program's synopsis like I do, then you better pray that the synopsis provided is sufficient. Unfortunately this is not always the case with Astro.

This is more an issue with Astro the service provider rather than Astromax the hardware manufacturer (apparently its a Thomson box) but because Astro is the distributor I'll treat them as the same.

We all know that Astro shows lots of reruns and that's good for people who haven't got a VCR or Astromax. The problem is if their synopsis doesn't tell you if it's a repeat or even give a proper description about the episode, you're left wondering if you're about to record something you've already seen. For example, for shows like 30 Seconds to Fame, you'll notice the synopses are always the same. While non Max users can just click to another channel, it is a problem if you're away and have recordings scheduled. I've ended up recording the same episode 3 or 4 times because I didn't know they were reruns. What a waste of precious disk space and a source of annoyance.

To be fair, the Max software does provide an option to display rerun information but I'm told Astro has not activated the feature yet. Solution: while waiting for it to be activated, can't they at least provide the episode number for each show. I mean, Star Wars can have Episode 1, II, etc., how hard is it to type it into drama series synopses?

Software Hang
This is probably my biggest gripe about Astromax. It hangs (freezes) a tad more frequently than I would like it to and when it does, the only thing you can do to unfreeze it is to power it off and back on again - basically a cold restart. The fact that my set hangs on me every 2-3 days disturbs me. I suspect the firmware needs a lot more testing.

I do realize we're talking about Astromax version 1 and for that I don't expect a perfect 10. However in other countries, this technology has been around for years and the manufacturers are not without experience. So I hope to see improvements the next version.

I will write a review on the hardware aspect of Astromax when I have the time.

Amazing Race Asia Memories - Lamest episode ever

The Amazing Races Asia Memories episode last night was lame. Downright lame. Ok, I knew it was a chance for some of their bigger sponsors to hawk their wares so I was prepared for some unashamed in-your-face product positioning. Interestingly they never did this in the American series. Ok fine. But what I didn't expect was how the entire episode was nothing but a tourist video masquerading as the Amazing Race Asia highlights. How blue was the water, how dreamy the view, how vibrant was the city, how fantastic the buildings. Geez if I really wanted to know, I would have switched to Discovery Travel & Living. You guys were in a goddamn race, remember? Doesn't it make more sense to cap it off by having the teams talk about themselves, their lives before the race, what made them apply, how they got shortlisted, what pushed them forward, their high and low points, their strategies, the inter-team tensions, and how they braved it all to the finish line. Instead what do we get? A blinking tourist commentary about the beach, island, city streets and shopping. There was nothing new to learn about the teams themselves. Cheh. What a waste of 1 hour.

And the much-touted big-secret-to-be-revealed-in-Memories was no secret after all. I won't even waste my time mentioning it here.

Again, I noticed one thing. Whenever the camera focuses on the winning team, its virtually Zabrina all of the time. You hardly get any footage on Joe Jer and in the entire Memories show she only spoke like less than 10 sentences, and all of it during an outdoors shoot. She's noticeably missing from any indoors shoot, including the AXN promo video of TARA with Andrew and Syeon. Could it be that the real JJ is camera shy? It was a let down for her fans who wanted to see more of her, and I sure as hell know there are plenty out there.

There was another thing missing in Memories - the fact that they entirely skipped Singapore. Hmmm... I wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, TARA is definitely a memorable event for me but their Memories is one episode I'll quickly forget.